How to Write Wedding Vows That Actually Mean Something
I've officiated more weddings than I can count, and I've heard it all – from vows that made entire congregations ugly-cry to ones that sounded like they were copied from the first Google result. The difference between memorable vows and forgettable ones isn't about fancy words or perfect delivery. It's about something much simpler and infinitely more complex: truth.
Writing your own wedding vows feels like standing at the edge of a cliff. You know you need to jump, but the fear of saying the wrong thing, of not being eloquent enough, of accidentally promising to always put the toilet seat down (though honestly, that's not a bad vow) – it can paralyze you. I remember sitting with my laptop open for three hours, cursor blinking mockingly at me, the night before my own wedding. The pressure to encapsulate an entire relationship, an entire future, in a few minutes of spoken words? It's enough to make anyone consider eloping.
But here's what I've learned after years of watching couples exchange their hearts in front of their loved ones: the best vows aren't performances. They're conversations with the universe, witnessed by the people who matter most.
Starting With What You Actually Feel
Most people begin writing vows by thinking about what they should say. Wrong approach. Start with what you can't help but say – those thoughts that bubble up when you're driving alone and a certain song comes on, or when you catch your partner doing something utterly mundane like reading the news with their coffee.
I once watched a groom spend twenty minutes talking about how his bride organized their spice rack alphabetically, and how that small act of creating order in their shared chaos made him realize she was home. Not his future home, not his someday home – but home, present tense, right now. There wasn't a dry eye in that barn, I tell you.
The truth is, love lives in specifics. It's not in the grand declarations of eternal devotion (though those have their place). It's in knowing exactly how they take their coffee, in the way they mispronounce certain words and you never correct them because it's become part of your private language.
The Notebook Method (Or Why Your Phone Notes App Is Your Best Friend)
For the next two weeks – yes, two weeks minimum – keep a running list. Every time your partner does something that makes your chest tight with love, write it down. When they annoy the hell out of you but you realize you'd miss even that if it were gone, write it down. When you catch yourself thinking about your future together, write it down.
Don't edit yourself during this phase. I once had a bride whose list included "the way he parallel parks with unnecessary confidence" and "how he pretends to understand my work stories even though I know he's lost after the first acronym." These observations might not make it into your final vows, but they're the raw material from which real promises are forged.
Understanding What Vows Actually Are
Let me be controversial for a moment: wedding vows aren't really promises. I mean, they are, but they're more than that. They're a declaration of who you already are together and who you intend to become. They're a public acknowledgment that you've chosen this person not despite their flaws, but with full knowledge of them.
Traditional vows – "for better or worse, in sickness and health" – they understood this. They weren't pretending marriage would be a constant honeymoon. They were saying, "I see the full spectrum of what this could be, and I'm in for all of it."
Your personal vows should carry this same weight. Yes, talk about the butterflies and the romance, but also acknowledge the real stuff. I've heard vows that promised to always try to see the other person's perspective during arguments, to build a life that makes space for both of their dreams, to remember that love is a verb, not just a feeling.
The Architecture of Meaningful Vows
Now, I'm not going to give you a template because that defeats the entire purpose. But I will share what I've noticed makes vows stick in people's memories years later.
First, ground yourself in your story. Not the whole thing – save the three-hour relationship history for the rehearsal dinner. But touch on a moment that crystallized something essential about your relationship. Maybe it was a disaster of a camping trip where everything went wrong but you couldn't stop laughing. Maybe it was the quiet moment in a hospital waiting room when you realized this was the person you wanted beside you for every uncertain moment life would bring.
Then, move into who this person is to you. Not who they are in general – their mother can tell everyone they're kind and smart and funny. Tell us who they are in relation to you. How do they change the chemistry of your days? What parts of yourself have they helped you discover or reclaim?
Finally, make your promises. And please, for the love of all that is holy, make them real promises. Not "I promise to love you forever" – that's a given, or you wouldn't be standing there. Promise things that will matter on a random Tuesday ten years from now. Promise to pause during arguments to remember you're on the same team. Promise to celebrate their victories as enthusiastically as your own. Promise to keep choosing them, actively, especially on days when it's not easy.
The Length Question Everyone Asks
"How long should vows be?" If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this question... Look, your vows should be long enough to say what needs saying and short enough that your guests don't start checking their phones. In practice, this usually means 2-3 minutes when spoken aloud.
But here's the thing – some of the most powerful vows I've witnessed were under a minute. One groom simply said, "I've written and rewritten these vows a dozen times, trying to find words big enough for how I feel. But the truth is simple: you make me want to be the man you already see when you look at me. I promise to spend my life trying to live up to that vision."
Done. Perfect. Not a word wasted.
The Humor Question
Should you be funny in your vows? Only if you're actually funny. And even then, sparingly. I've seen too many vows derailed by jokes that landed flat, leaving the vower scrambling to recover the emotional thread. Humor in vows works best when it's natural, when it emerges from real moments rather than feeling inserted for effect.
The best humorous moments in vows are usually the gentle, knowing kind – inside jokes that make your partner smile that particular smile reserved just for you. One bride promised to always pretend her groom's elaborate breakfast productions were worth the kitchen disaster they created. It was specific, it was loving, and it acknowledged a real dynamic in their relationship with affection rather than criticism.
Writing Through the Tears
You will cry while writing your vows. This is not a bug; it's a feature. Those tears are telling you you're hitting the right notes. When you find yourself having to stop typing because you can't see the screen, you're probably writing something true.
Don't fight the emotion. Lean into it. Some of the most honest vows I've heard included lines like "I'm probably going to cry through most of this, and you know what? That's fitting, because you've always been the person who makes me feel safe enough to show every emotion."
The Revision Process (Or: Kill Your Darlings, But Gently)
Once you have your first draft, let it sit for at least 24 hours. Then read it aloud. Does it sound like you? Can you get through it without stumbling over overly complex sentences? Does it capture not just your love but your specific love for this specific person?
Cut anything that sounds like it could be said by anyone to anyone. "You make me a better person" – unless you follow it with exactly how, specifically, they do this, cut it. "I can't wait to spend my life with you" – of course you can't, that's why you're getting married. Cut it, or make it specific.
I know a couple who practices their vows with their wedding parties. Not to rehearse the performance, but to test whether the vows capture the relationship their closest friends recognize. If your best friend says "that doesn't sound like you guys," listen.
The Secret Nobody Tells You
Here's something most people don't realize until they're standing at the altar: your vows aren't really for your partner. I mean, they are, but they're also for you. They're you declaring to yourself, in front of witnesses, who you intend to be in this marriage. They're you setting the terms of your own transformation.
The act of speaking these promises aloud, in front of the people who will hold you accountable to them, changes something. It makes the theoretical real. It turns intention into commitment.
When You're Stuck
If you're staring at a blank page, try this: write a letter to your partner about why you want to marry them. Don't think about it as vows, just write the letter. Then mine it for the gold. The phrases that make you pause, that capture something essential – those are your building blocks.
Or try writing about your partner to someone else. Pretend you're explaining to your future children why you chose this person to be their other parent. What would you want them to know?
Sometimes the block comes from trying to be too profound. Remember, profundity often lives in simplicity. "I choose you" can be more powerful than a paragraph of purple prose about soul mates and destiny.
The Day-Of Reality
No matter how perfectly you craft your vows, you will probably mess something up during delivery. Your voice will crack. You'll ugly cry. You'll forget a line. You'll accidentally say "lawfully dreaded" instead of "lawfully wedded" (true story, happened at my cousin's wedding, became family legend).
This is not just okay; it's beautiful. Your imperfect delivery of imperfect vows to your imperfect person is the whole point. You're not auditioning for a rom-com; you're promising to show up, as you are, for the rest of your lives.
Write your vows on nice paper, but also email them to your maid of honor or best man. Have a backup. Practice reading them aloud, but don't memorize them like a script. You want to be present in the moment, not performing a recitation.
A Final Thought on Forever
The word "forever" gets thrown around a lot in wedding vows. But I've come to believe the most honest vows acknowledge that forever is built one day at a time. They promise not an unchanging state of being but a commitment to keep choosing, keep showing up, keep building something together.
The best vows I ever heard ended with this: "I don't promise that I'll be the same person in fifty years. But I promise that every version of me will choose every version of you."
Now stop reading articles about writing vows and go write yours. Trust your voice. Trust your love. Trust that the person standing across from you chose you, too, and they're not expecting Shakespeare. They're expecting you, promising to be you, with them, for whatever comes next.
That's more than enough. That's everything.
Authoritative Sources:
Gretchen, Rubin. The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun. Harper, 2009.
Gottman, John, and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books, 2015.
hooks, bell. All About Love: New Visions. William Morrow, 2000.
Perel, Esther. Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Harper Paperbacks, 2007.
Richo, David. How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving. Shambhala, 2002.