How to Stop Thinking About Someone: Breaking the Mental Loop That's Driving You Crazy
You know that feeling when someone's face keeps popping into your head like an unwanted pop-up ad? Maybe it's your ex who left you for their CrossFit instructor. Perhaps it's that friend who ghosted you after borrowing your favorite leather jacket. Or it could be that colleague who got the promotion you deserved. Whoever it is, they've taken up residence in your brain rent-free, and you're ready to serve them an eviction notice.
I spent the better part of 2019 obsessing over someone who, frankly, didn't deserve that much real estate in my head. Every morning, I'd wake up and—boom—there they were, front and center in my thoughts before I'd even had my coffee. It was exhausting. The mental energy I wasted could've powered a small city.
The Psychology Behind Why We Get Stuck
Our brains are pattern-recognition machines, and unfortunately, they're not particularly discriminating about which patterns they choose to reinforce. When someone has made a significant emotional impact on us—whether through love, betrayal, loss, or even just unfinished business—our neural pathways light up like a Christmas tree every time we encounter a trigger.
The anterior cingulate cortex, that pesky part of your brain responsible for attention and emotion regulation, basically goes haywire when you're trying not to think about someone. It's like telling yourself not to think about pink elephants. Suddenly, pink elephants are doing the cha-cha in your mind.
What makes this particularly maddening is that the more we try to suppress these thoughts, the stronger they become. Psychologists call this the "ironic process theory," though I prefer to call it "the universe's cruel joke." It's the same reason why insomniacs who desperately try to fall asleep often stay awake longer than those who just accept their wakefulness.
Why Time Alone Won't Fix This
People love to throw around that tired phrase "time heals all wounds." But here's the thing—time without intentional action is like expecting your dirty dishes to wash themselves if you ignore them long enough. Sure, eventually the food might decompose, but you'll still have crusty plates.
I once waited six months for thoughts of someone to naturally fade. Spoiler alert: they didn't. If anything, the thoughts became more romanticized, more distorted. Memory has this annoying habit of applying Instagram filters to the past, making everything seem either rosier or more dramatic than it actually was.
The real issue isn't time—it's what you do with that time. Active processing beats passive waiting every single time.
The Contact Conundrum
Let's address the elephant in the room: contact. If you're still texting this person, checking their social media, or "accidentally" showing up at their favorite coffee shop, you're essentially picking at a scab and wondering why it won't heal.
I get it. The temptation is real. Your thumb hovers over their name in your contacts like it has a mind of its own. But every interaction, every glimpse of their life, every "just checking in" text is another log on the fire of your obsession.
Going no-contact isn't about being dramatic or punishing anyone. It's about giving your brain a chance to form new neural pathways that don't include this person. Think of it as a mental detox. You wouldn't try to quit sugar while working in a candy store, would you?
Rewiring Your Brain (Without the New Age Nonsense)
Here's where things get practical. Your brain needs new material to work with, and sitting around hoping for spontaneous amnesia isn't going to cut it.
First, you need to understand your triggers. What specifically makes you think of this person? Is it certain songs? Specific locations? The smell of their cologne that apparently half the city wears? Once you identify these triggers, you can start to recondition your responses to them.
I had a friend who couldn't stop thinking about her ex every time she made pasta because they used to cook together. So she started inviting different friends over for pasta nights, creating new associations. Eventually, linguine reminded her of laughing with her book club instead of crying over her ex.
Physical exercise isn't just good for your body—it's like Drano for your mental pipes. When you're in the middle of a brutal workout, your brain doesn't have the bandwidth to obsess over someone. Plus, the endorphins help counteract the stress hormones that rumination produces.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
We're all unreliable narrators of our own lives, but when it comes to people we can't stop thinking about, we turn into full-blown fiction writers. We create elaborate narratives about what they're thinking, why they acted the way they did, what might have been different if only...
Stop. Just stop.
The story you're telling yourself is probably 90% projection and 10% selective memory. That person you're obsessing over? They're probably not the villain or the hero you've made them out to be. They're just a flawed human who played a role in your life, and now that role has ended.
One technique that actually works is writing down the story you've been telling yourself, then rewriting it from a neutral perspective. Strip away the emotional adjectives, the assumptions about motives, the what-ifs. What you're left with is usually far less compelling than the drama you've been directing in your head.
When Distraction Isn't Enough
Everyone will tell you to "stay busy" and "distract yourself." And sure, binge-watching Netflix or taking up competitive origami might provide temporary relief. But distraction is like putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone—it might cover the problem, but it doesn't fix it.
Real healing requires facing the thoughts head-on, just not in the obsessive way you've been doing. Set aside specific times to think about this person. I'm serious. Give yourself 15 minutes a day to go full-on obsessive. Set a timer. When it goes off, you're done.
This sounds counterintuitive, but it works for two reasons. First, it takes away the forbidden fruit aspect of these thoughts. Second, you'll quickly realize that 15 minutes of concentrated thinking about someone is actually pretty boring. There's only so much material to work with.
The Deeper Work Nobody Talks About
Here's the uncomfortable truth: sometimes we can't stop thinking about someone because they represent something we're missing in ourselves. Maybe they embodied confidence we wish we had. Perhaps they made us feel valuable in a way we struggle to feel on our own. Or they might represent a version of ourselves we liked better.
This is the work nobody wants to do because it's easier to pine over someone else than to face our own stuff. But until you address what that person symbolized for you, you'll either stay stuck on them or transfer that obsession to someone new.
I realized the person I couldn't stop thinking about represented a time when I felt more adventurous, more willing to take risks. Once I started taking those risks on my own—traveling solo, starting new projects, saying yes to things that scared me—the obsessive thoughts lost their power.
The Social Media Trap
We need to talk about social media because it's basically designed to keep you thinking about people you should probably forget. Every platform is engineered to make you scroll, compare, and obsess.
Unfollowing isn't enough when the algorithm keeps suggesting their posts or when mutual friends share their updates. You might need to take a full break from social media, or at least curate your feeds aggressively. Yes, this might mean missing your cousin's baby photos for a while. Your mental health is worth it.
And please, for the love of all that is holy, stop checking their profile. You're not going to find closure in their vacation photos or relationship status updates. You're just feeding the beast.
When Professional Help Makes Sense
Sometimes, obsessive thoughts about someone are a symptom of something bigger—anxiety, depression, OCD, or unresolved trauma. If you've tried everything and still can't shake these thoughts, or if they're seriously impacting your daily life, it's time to talk to a professional.
There's no shame in needing help to evict someone from your head. Therapists have tools and techniques that go beyond what any article can provide. Cognitive behavioral therapy, in particular, can be incredibly effective for breaking obsessive thought patterns.
The Unexpected Freedom
Here's what nobody tells you about finally stopping those obsessive thoughts: the freedom is almost disorienting at first. When you've spent months or years with someone taking up mental space, their absence leaves a void. You might even miss missing them, as weird as that sounds.
But then something beautiful happens. You realize how much mental energy you've reclaimed. Ideas start flowing again. You notice things you'd been blind to. You have space for new people, new experiences, new versions of yourself.
I remember the first day I went without thinking about that person who had consumed my thoughts for so long. It wasn't a dramatic moment—I just realized at bedtime that they hadn't crossed my mind all day. It felt like taking off shoes that had been too tight for years.
Moving Forward Without Looking Back
The goal isn't to erase this person from your memory or pretend they never existed. The goal is to put them in their proper place—as part of your past, not a constant presence in your present.
You'll know you've succeeded when you can think of them without that emotional charge, when their name doesn't make your stomach drop, when you can wish them well (or wish them to step on a Lego, depending on the situation) without it consuming your day.
This process isn't linear. You'll have good days and bad days. You might go weeks without thinking of them, then something will trigger a flood of memories. That's normal. Progress isn't perfection.
The most important thing to remember is that you're not trying to stop thinking about someone because there's something wrong with you. You're doing it because you deserve to have your thoughts belong to you. You deserve to wake up with mental space for your own dreams, your own plans, your own present moment.
Your brain is yours. It's time to reclaim it.
Authoritative Sources:
Wegner, Daniel M. White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts: Suppression, Obsession, and the Psychology of Mental Control. Guilford Press, 1994.
Pennebaker, James W. Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions. Guilford Press, 1997.
Harvey, Allison G., and Suzanne Farrell. "The Efficacy of a Thought Suppression Task in Controlling Unwanted Thoughts." Behaviour Research and Therapy, vol. 41, no. 12, 2003, pp. 1443-1451.
Nolen-Hoeksema, Susan. "Rethinking Rumination." Perspectives on Psychological Science, vol. 3, no. 5, 2008, pp. 400-424.
Baer, Ruth A. The Practicing Happiness Workbook: How Mindfulness Can Free You from the Four Psychological Traps That Keep You Stressed, Anxious, and Depressed. New Harbinger Publications, 2014.