How to Get Married: The Real Journey from Single to Spouse

Marriage. It's one of those life events that somehow manages to be both deeply personal and wildly public at the same time. I've watched countless friends navigate this path, been in a few weddings myself, and spent probably too many late nights discussing the whole institution with anyone who'd listen. What strikes me most isn't the fairy tale stuff – it's how fundamentally practical and emotionally complex the whole process really is.

Let me be straight with you: getting married isn't just about finding someone and picking a date. It's this bizarre intersection of love, law, tradition, and logistics that nobody really prepares you for. The movies make it look like the hard part is finding "the one," but honestly? That's just the opening act.

The Foundation Nobody Talks About

Before you even think about rings or venues, there's this whole internal landscape you need to explore. I remember sitting with my friend Sarah at a coffee shop when she said something that stuck with me: "I spent so much time thinking about who I wanted to marry, I never really thought about whether I wanted to be married."

That distinction matters more than you might think. Marriage as a concept versus marriage as a lived reality are two very different beasts. Some people genuinely thrive in partnership – they're natural collaborators who find joy in shared decision-making and intertwined lives. Others are more like cats, perfectly content with affection on their own terms but deeply uncomfortable with too much togetherness.

The tricky part is that society doesn't really encourage this kind of self-examination. We're fed this narrative that marriage is the natural progression of adult life, like some kind of relationship escalator you're supposed to ride whether you want to or not. But here's what I've learned from watching both successful marriages and spectacular divorces: the people who do best are the ones who chose marriage deliberately, not defaulted into it.

Finding Your Person (Or Realizing You Already Have)

Now, about actually finding someone to marry – or recognizing that the person you're with is marriage material. This is where things get interesting, and honestly, a bit messy.

First off, throw out whatever checklist you've been carrying around since college. You know the one – tall, dark, handsome, makes six figures, loves dogs but not too much, has a good relationship with their mother but not TOO good. Life has this funny way of sending you exactly what you need wrapped in a package you never expected.

I've seen people marry their high school sweethearts after fifteen years apart. I've seen others meet on a Tuesday and know by Friday. There's no formula here, despite what dating apps want you to believe. What there is, though, is a feeling – not butterflies, necessarily, but something more like recognition. Like, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you."

But let's be real about something: compatibility matters, and I'm not talking about whether you both like hiking. I'm talking about the big stuff. How do you handle conflict? What does money mean to you? Do you want kids, and if so, how many and when? What role does family play in your life? These aren't first date conversations, but they better happen before you start shopping for rings.

One couple I know almost broke up because they'd never discussed where they'd live after marriage. She assumed they'd stay near her family in Ohio; he'd always planned to move back to California. They worked it out, but man, that was a rough few months.

The Proposal Thing

Okay, we need to talk about proposals because this is where modern relationships get weird. We're living in 2024, but somehow we're still acting like it's 1950 when it comes to this stuff.

Here's my potentially controversial take: the surprise public proposal is overrated and potentially problematic. I'm not saying don't make it special – absolutely make it special. But the decision to get married should never be a surprise. The when and how of the proposal? Sure, keep that under wraps. But both people should be on the same page about where the relationship is heading.

I've seen too many proposals where one person is clearly uncomfortable but feels pressured to say yes because there's an audience. That's not romantic; it's manipulative. The best proposals I've witnessed were between couples who'd already discussed marriage, timeline, and expectations. The actual moment was a surprise, but the commitment wasn't.

And another thing – who says it has to be the guy proposing to the girl? I know several couples where the woman proposed, and their marriages are just as solid (if not more so) than anyone else's. If you're waiting around for your partner to propose and it's been years, maybe it's time to take matters into your own hands. Just saying.

The Legal Maze

This is the part where romance meets bureaucracy, and boy, is it a wake-up call. Getting married isn't just about love – it's a legal contract that affects everything from your taxes to your medical decisions.

First up: the marriage license. Every state has different requirements, and some of them are genuinely bizarre. Waiting periods, blood tests (yes, some places still require these), witness requirements – it's like each state decided to make up its own rules just to be difficult. Pro tip: don't wait until the week before your wedding to figure this out. I know someone who had to postpone their ceremony because they didn't realize their state had a three-day waiting period.

Then there's the name change situation, if you're going that route. Let me tell you, this process is stuck in the stone age. You'll need to update your Social Security card, driver's license, passport, bank accounts, credit cards, employer records, voter registration... the list goes on. And each institution has its own requirements and timeline. Budget at least six months for this process, and keep copies of everything.

But here's something people don't talk about enough: prenuptial agreements. I know, I know – nothing says "I love you" like planning for potential divorce. But hear me out. A prenup isn't about expecting failure; it's about having honest conversations about finances while you still like each other. If you can't talk about money before marriage, you're going to have a rough time talking about it during marriage.

Planning the Actual Wedding (Or Not)

Wedding planning is where relationships go to be tested. I'm only half-joking. The pressure to create the "perfect day" while managing family expectations, budgets, and vendor chaos has broken stronger people than you.

Here's the thing nobody tells you: your wedding is not actually about you. I mean, it is, but it isn't. It's about your families, your communities, and all the social expectations that come with publicly declaring your commitment. Once you accept this, the whole process becomes slightly less maddening.

The average wedding in the US costs around $30,000. That's a down payment on a house, folks. And for what? One day. One admittedly special day, but still. I've been to $50,000 weddings that were forgettable and backyard potlucks that were magical. The price tag doesn't determine the meaning.

If you're going the traditional wedding route, start with your must-haves. Not the Pinterest board stuff – the actual elements that matter to you. Maybe it's having your grandmother there. Maybe it's getting married in your childhood church. Maybe it's having really good food. Pick three things that are non-negotiable and be flexible on everything else.

And please, for the love of all that is holy, remember that "no" is a complete sentence. You don't have to invite your parent's coworker's daughter. You don't have to have a wedding party if you don't want one. You don't have to do the chicken dance or the bouquet toss or any of those traditions that make you cringe.

Some of the happiest married couples I know eloped. They skipped the whole circus and just focused on the commitment. There's something to be said for that approach, especially if you're introverted or conflict-averse. City hall weddings are valid. Destination elopements are valid. Getting married in your living room with just your dog as a witness is valid (though you might need an actual human witness for legal purposes).

The Money Talk Nobody Wants to Have

Let's get uncomfortable for a minute and talk about finances. Money is the number one cause of divorce, and it's usually because couples never had honest conversations about it before marriage.

Here's what you need to discuss: How will you handle bank accounts – joint, separate, or both? Who pays for what? What are your financial goals? How much debt does each person have? What's your approach to spending versus saving? How will you handle financial decisions?

I know a couple who didn't realize until after marriage that one of them had $80,000 in student loans. Another couple discovered three months into marriage that they had completely different ideas about supporting aging parents financially. These conversations aren't fun, but they're necessary.

And while we're being practical, let's talk about insurance, beneficiaries, and wills. Marriage means you're each other's default next of kin, but you should still have these documents in order. It's morbid, sure, but it's also adult life.

Family Dynamics and Boundaries

Marriage doesn't just unite two people; it connects two families, and sometimes those families are... complicated. You know that saying about how you don't just marry a person, you marry their family? It's annoyingly true.

Setting boundaries early is crucial. This is especially important if you have particularly involved parents or in-laws. Where will you spend holidays? How often will extended family visit? What information about your marriage is private versus shareable? These might seem like minor issues now, but they can become major sources of conflict later.

I've watched marriages strain under the weight of overbearing in-laws who show up unannounced, parents who still treat their adult children like teenagers, and family members who feel entitled to opinions about everything from your career choices to your reproductive plans. The couples who thrive are the ones who present a united front and prioritize their marriage over keeping everyone else happy.

Cultural and Religious Considerations

If you're marrying someone from a different cultural or religious background, there's an extra layer of complexity to navigate. This can be beautiful – I've been to weddings that blend traditions in really meaningful ways. But it requires a lot of communication and compromise.

Sometimes the biggest challenges come from within the same culture or religion, just different interpretations or levels of observance. I know a Jewish couple who almost called off their wedding because they couldn't agree on keeping kosher. They worked it out, but it took months of discussion and negotiation.

The key is to figure out what's truly important to each person versus what's just habit or family expectation. Maybe you don't care about having a religious ceremony, but your partner's grandmother will be heartbroken without one. Maybe you're willing to incorporate certain traditions but draw the line at others. These negotiations are part of building a life together.

The Reality of "I Do"

Here's something that might sound unromantic but is actually the most romantic thing I can tell you: marriage is a choice you make every single day. The wedding is just the public declaration of intent. The marriage is what happens when you wake up on a random Tuesday and choose to be partners even though they left their socks on the bathroom floor again.

The best marriages I've observed aren't the ones without conflict – they're the ones where both people are committed to working through conflict together. They're the ones where both people continue to choose each other, even when it's hard, even when it would be easier not to.

Getting married is simultaneously one of the most common and most profound things you can do. Billions of people have done it before you, yet your marriage will be entirely unique. That's the beautiful paradox of the whole institution.

So if you're thinking about getting married, take your time. Have the hard conversations. Be honest about what you want and what you're willing to compromise on. And remember that the wedding is just one day – the marriage is what matters.

Because at the end of the day, marriage is just two people saying to each other, "I choose you, and I'll keep choosing you, even when you're annoying, even when life gets hard, even when there are probably easier options." And somehow, against all logic, that choice creates something bigger than the sum of its parts.

That's the real magic. Not the dress or the flowers or the perfect proposal story. Just two people, choosing each other, over and over again.

Authoritative Sources:

Coontz, Stephanie. Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage. Penguin Books, 2006.

Gottman, John, and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books, 2015.

National Center for Health Statistics. "Marriage and Divorce." Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2023, www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm.

Perel, Esther. Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Harper Paperbacks, 2007.

United States Census Bureau. "Marital Status." Census.gov, U.S. Department of Commerce, 2023, www.census.gov/topics/families/marital-status.html.