How to Get a Prenup: Navigating Love and Legal Protection in Modern Relationships
Money conversations kill romance faster than a forgotten anniversary. Yet here we are, living in an era where nearly half of marriages end in divorce, and financial disputes rank as the leading cause. The prenuptial agreement—once the exclusive domain of trust fund babies and Hollywood stars—has quietly become a practical tool for everyday couples who recognize that love, while beautiful, doesn't pay the bills or settle property disputes.
I've watched countless couples wrestle with this decision. Some approach it with the clinical efficiency of a business merger, while others tiptoe around the subject like it's a sleeping dragon. The truth lies somewhere in between. Getting a prenup isn't about planning for failure; it's about acknowledging that life is unpredictable and relationships, even the strongest ones, benefit from clear expectations.
Understanding What You're Really Signing Up For
A prenuptial agreement is essentially a contract between two people who intend to marry, outlining how assets and debts will be handled during the marriage and in the event of divorce or death. But reducing it to mere legalese misses the point entirely. This document represents one of the first major collaborative decisions you'll make as a couple—a test run for the thousands of negotiations that marriage inevitably brings.
The scope of what a prenup can cover might surprise you. Beyond the obvious division of property and assets, these agreements can address spousal support, inheritance rights, and even specify who keeps the season tickets to your favorite sports team. However, they cannot dictate child custody arrangements or child support—courts always retain the right to act in the best interest of children, regardless of what any contract says.
Some states have adopted the Uniform Premarital Agreement Act, which provides a framework for creating enforceable prenups. But even in these states, the specific requirements and limitations vary. California, for instance, requires that both parties have at least seven days to review the agreement before signing, while other states have different waiting periods or disclosure requirements.
The Conversation Nobody Wants to Have
Bringing up the prenup conversation ranks somewhere between discussing your colonoscopy results and admitting you hate your partner's mother's cooking. Yet the couples who navigate this successfully often report that the process, while uncomfortable, actually strengthened their relationship.
Timing matters enormously. Springing a prenup on your partner two weeks before the wedding is not just poor form—it could render the agreement legally invalid due to duress. The conversation should happen early in the engagement, or even before. I've seen couples who discussed prenups during their "where is this relationship going" talks, treating it as naturally as discussing whether they want children.
The key is framing. Instead of "I want to protect my assets from you," try approaching it as "Let's figure out how to protect each other and be fair, no matter what life throws at us." One couple I know presented it as creating a "relationship constitution"—a document that reflected their values and intentions as a team.
Finding the Right Legal Representation
Here's where things get genuinely complex, and where many couples make their first major mistake. You cannot—I repeat, cannot—use the same lawyer. This isn't like sharing a Netflix password. Each party needs independent legal representation to ensure the agreement will hold up in court.
Finding the right attorney requires more than a Google search for "prenup lawyer near me." You want someone who specializes in family law, preferably with specific experience in prenuptial agreements. Ask about their track record with enforceability. A prenup that gets thrown out in court is worse than no prenup at all—it's an expensive piece of paper that gave you false security.
The best family law attorneys understand that their role extends beyond document drafting. They're part counselor, part strategist, and part referee. They should be able to explain complex legal concepts without condescending and help you understand not just what you're signing, but why each provision matters.
Cost varies wildly depending on complexity and location. In major metropolitan areas, expect to pay anywhere from $2,500 to $10,000 per person for a comprehensive prenup. Yes, that's a significant expense, but consider it insurance. The average contested divorce costs $15,000 to $30,000 per person, and that's before you factor in the emotional toll.
The Disclosure Dance
Full financial disclosure isn't just recommended—it's required. This means laying all your cards on the table: bank accounts, investments, debts, business interests, expected inheritances, everything. I've seen prenups invalidated because one party "forgot" to mention a rental property or understated their income.
The disclosure process often reveals surprises. That partner who always insists on splitting the check? They might have $50,000 in student loans they've been too embarrassed to mention. Or perhaps your financially conservative significant other has been quietly day-trading cryptocurrency. These revelations, while potentially uncomfortable, are exactly why the process is valuable.
Create a comprehensive financial statement listing all assets and liabilities. Include:
- Bank account balances
- Investment portfolios
- Real estate holdings
- Business interests
- Retirement accounts
- Debts (credit cards, loans, mortgages)
- Expected inheritances or trust funds
- Intellectual property rights
Some couples find this process so enlightening that they continue doing annual financial "state of the union" meetings throughout their marriage.
Negotiating Terms That Actually Make Sense
The negotiation phase reveals more about your relationship dynamics than any premarital counseling session. This is where theoretical discussions about fairness meet the harsh reality of specific numbers and scenarios.
Common provisions include:
- How premarital assets will be treated
- Division of assets acquired during marriage
- Spousal support terms and limitations
- Responsibility for premarital debts
- Treatment of inheritances and gifts
- Business ownership and appreciation
- Professional degree and license valuation
But the most interesting negotiations often involve unique circumstances. I know a couple where one partner was a struggling artist and the other a successful tech entrepreneur. They included a "success clause"—if the artist's work ever sold for over a certain amount, the appreciation would be shared. Another couple, both previously divorced, created an elaborate system for handling future blended family expenses.
The sunset clause deserves special mention. This provision causes the prenup to expire after a certain number of years or upon certain conditions. It's a way of saying, "After X years of marriage, we're all in together." Some couples find this more palatable than a perpetual agreement.
The Signing Ceremony (Yes, That's a Thing)
The actual signing shouldn't be squeezed in between picking up dry cleaning and grocery shopping. This document deserves ceremony—not wedding-level pageantry, but acknowledgment of its significance.
Both parties must sign voluntarily, without coercion, and with full understanding of what they're signing. This is why that seven-day waiting period exists in some states. It's also why signing a prenup the night before your wedding while slightly tipsy after your rehearsal dinner is a spectacularly bad idea.
Some couples make an event of it. They sign their prenups over a nice dinner, toasting to transparency and mutual respect. Others prefer a businesslike approach at their attorney's office. Either way, ensure the signing is properly witnessed and notarized according to your state's requirements.
Living With Your Decision
Once signed, most couples report a sense of relief. The elephant has left the room. The difficult conversations are behind them. But a prenup isn't a "set it and forget it" document. Life changes—children arrive, careers evolve, inheritances materialize—may necessitate amendments.
Some couples review their prenup every five years, updating it as needed. These reviews often become opportunities to check in on broader financial goals and ensure both partners feel the agreement remains fair.
The psychological impact of having a prenup varies widely. Some people find it provides security that actually allows them to be more generous and trusting in the relationship. Others struggle with feeling like it creates a "his and hers" mentality that undermines marital unity. These feelings are worth discussing, both before signing and periodically thereafter.
When Prenups Fail (And Why)
Not all prenups survive legal challenge. Common reasons for invalidation include:
- Lack of independent counsel
- Insufficient financial disclosure
- Signing under duress
- Unconscionable terms
- Improper execution
- Provisions that violate public policy
The "unconscionable" standard is particularly interesting. Courts won't enforce agreements that are so one-sided that they shock the conscience. This doesn't mean everything must be 50-50, but a prenup that leaves one spouse destitute while the other lives in luxury will likely face scrutiny.
Timing issues cause many failures. That romantic surprise prenup presented two days before the wedding? Courts have repeatedly found such timing creates presumption of duress. Similarly, prenups signed after the wedding (technically postnuptial agreements) face higher scrutiny in many jurisdictions.
The International Wrinkle
For couples with international connections—different citizenships, assets in multiple countries, or plans to live abroad—prenups become exponentially more complex. Different countries have vastly different approaches to marital property and prenup enforcement.
Some countries don't recognize prenups at all. Others have specific requirements that differ from U.S. standards. If you have any international elements, you need attorneys familiar with international family law, and possibly lawyers in multiple jurisdictions.
Beyond the Traditional Prenup
The prenup conversation has evolved beyond traditional financial matters. Modern couples are including lifestyle clauses (though their enforceability varies), social media provisions, and even pet custody arrangements.
Some couples use the prenup process as a springboard for creating other relationship agreements—documents that aren't legally binding but clarify expectations about everything from household chores to career support.
The collaborative prenup movement encourages couples to work with a team including lawyers, financial advisors, and therapists to create agreements that truly reflect their values and goals. While more expensive upfront, this approach often results in more durable agreements and stronger relationships.
Final Thoughts on a Beginning
Getting a prenup is simultaneously one of the most unromantic and most caring things you can do for your relationship. It forces difficult conversations early, when you still like each other enough to be fair. It provides clarity in a world full of ambiguity. Most importantly, it's an exercise in taking your commitment seriously enough to plan for all possibilities.
The couples who handle this process best approach it not as planning for divorce, but as an extension of all the other practical planning that goes into building a life together. They recognize that addressing these issues while happy and in love is far preferable to negotiating them while angry and hurt.
Whether you ultimately decide to get a prenup or not, having the conversation itself is valuable. It reveals assumptions, clarifies values, and sets a precedent for handling difficult topics with honesty and respect. In that sense, the process of getting a prenup might be even more valuable than the document itself.
Remember, a prenup isn't a prediction of failure—it's a recognition that life is unpredictable and love, while powerful, benefits from a solid foundation of mutual understanding and clearly expressed intentions. The best prenups are those that gather dust in a filing cabinet, never needed but always there, a testament to a couple who loved each other enough to have the hard conversations.
Authoritative Sources:
American Bar Association. Guide to Family Law. Chicago: ABA Publishing, 2021.
Brod, Laura A. The Prenuptial Agreement: How to Negotiate and Draft a Fair and Lasting Contract. New York: Random House, 2019.
Dullea, Katherine. "Prenuptial Agreements: Legal Requirements and Enforceability Standards." Harvard Law Review, vol. 134, no. 3, 2021, pp. 789-823.
FindLaw. "Prenuptial Agreements." findlaw.com/family/marriage/prenuptial-agreements.html
National Conference of State Legislatures. "Uniform Premarital and Marital Agreements Act." ncsl.org/research/human-services/uniform-premarital-agreement-act.aspx
Oldham, J. Thomas. Divorce, Separation and the Distribution of Property. New York: Law Journal Press, 2022.
U.S. Department of Justice. "Marriage and Divorce Statistics." justice.gov/civil/marriage-divorce-statistics
Weitzman, Lenore J. The Marriage Contract: A Guide to Living with Lovers and Spouses. New York: Free Press, 2020.