How to Get a Prenup: Navigating the Conversation, Process, and Peace of Mind
The first time someone mentioned prenuptial agreements to me, I was sitting in a coffee shop listening to a friend describe her sister's divorce. "If only they'd gotten a prenup," she sighed, stirring her latte. I remember thinking prenups were for celebrities and tech billionaires—not regular people planning regular weddings. Boy, was I wrong.
After years of watching relationships evolve, dissolve, and everything in between, I've come to see prenuptial agreements differently. They're not cynical preparations for failure; they're actually one of the most honest conversations two people can have before marriage. And getting one? Well, that's a journey worth understanding properly.
The Reality Check Nobody Wants (But Everyone Needs)
Let me paint you a picture. You're engaged, picking out flowers and arguing about whether cousin Jerry gets a plus-one. The last thing you want to discuss is what happens if things go south. But here's the thing—roughly 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. That's not pessimism; that's statistics staring you in the face.
A prenup isn't betting against your marriage. It's more like buying car insurance—you don't plan to crash, but you'd be foolish not to prepare for the possibility. The couples I've seen navigate prenups successfully often emerge with stronger relationships because they've tackled tough conversations head-on.
When Should You Actually Start This Process?
Timing matters more than most people realize. You can't waltz up to your partner a week before the wedding with legal documents. That's not just poor planning—it could invalidate the whole agreement due to duress.
The sweet spot? Start the conversation at least six months before your wedding date. This gives you breathing room for discussions, negotiations, and the actual legal process. I've seen couples try to rush this in two months, and it's like watching someone try to defrost a turkey in the microwave—technically possible, but nobody's happy with the results.
Some states have specific timing requirements too. California, for instance, requires that both parties have the final agreement at least seven days before signing. Your local requirements might differ, which brings me to my next point.
Finding the Right Legal Help (Because Your Cousin Who Took One Law Class Doesn't Count)
Here's where things get real. You need lawyers—plural. Each person needs their own attorney. I know, I know, it seems excessive when you're planning to share everything, but this isn't the place to cut corners.
Finding the right attorney is like dating, minus the awkward small talk about your favorite movies. You want someone who specializes in family law, preferably with prenup experience. Ask around—divorce attorneys often know the best prenup lawyers because they see what happens when agreements are poorly drafted.
During your initial consultation, pay attention to how they explain things. If they're throwing around legal jargon like confetti at a parade, they might not be the right fit. You need someone who can translate legalese into human speak. Also, if they seem to be pushing for overly aggressive terms that would make your partner run for the hills, that's a red flag bigger than the one at a communist rally.
The Money Talk (Beyond "What's Yours and What's Mine")
Now we're getting into the meat and potatoes. A prenup primarily deals with financial matters, and this is where couples often discover they have very different relationships with money.
Start by laying everything on the table—literally. Print out bank statements, investment accounts, debts, the works. Yes, even that credit card you maxed out in college buying questionable life choices. Full disclosure isn't just recommended; it's required. Hiding assets can invalidate your entire agreement faster than you can say "I do."
The conversation should cover:
- Current assets and debts
- Future inheritances (that lake house Grandma keeps promising)
- Business interests (including that Etsy shop you swear will take off)
- How you'll handle income earned during marriage
- What happens to the house you might buy together
- Retirement accounts and how they'll grow
One couple I knew spent three sessions just discussing his vintage guitar collection. She thought it was worth maybe $5,000. Turned out to be closer to $50,000. These surprises are better discovered now than during a potential divorce.
Beyond Dollars and Cents
While prenups can't dictate who takes out the trash or whether you'll have kids, they can address some non-financial matters. Spousal support terms, for instance, can be outlined (though courts can override these if they're unconscionable).
Some couples include sunset clauses—provisions that make the prenup expire after a certain number of years. It's like saying, "If we make it ten years, we're probably solid." Others include infidelity clauses, though these are trickier to enforce than you might think. Proving infidelity in court isn't as simple as presenting suspicious text messages.
Pet custody has become increasingly common in prenups. Yes, you read that right. People are pre-determining who gets Fluffy. As someone who's seen friendships end over shared Netflix passwords, I completely understand the impulse to clarify pet ownership.
The Actual Drafting Process (Where Dreams Meet Legal Documents)
Once you've had the big conversations and hired your attorneys, the drafting begins. Your lawyer will create an initial document based on your discussions. This first draft might shock you—legal documents have a way of making romantic partnerships sound like business mergers.
Review everything carefully. Question anything you don't understand. I once saw a prenup that accidentally gave one party rights to "all future creative works," which would have included the other person's hobby blog about houseplants. Details matter.
The negotiation phase can test your relationship. You might discover your partner has different expectations about financial support or property division. This is normal. The key is approaching it as problem-solving partners, not adversaries.
Common Pitfalls That Can Sink Your Prenup
Let me save you some heartache by sharing what I've seen go wrong:
The Pressure Play: Presenting a prenup too close to the wedding creates a coercion issue. Courts don't look kindly on "sign this or the wedding's off" scenarios delivered two days before 200 guests arrive.
The DIY Disaster: Online templates might work for making a will for your goldfish, but prenups need professional drafting. State laws vary wildly, and what works in Nevada might be toilet paper in New York.
The Hidden Asset Shuffle: "Forgetting" to mention that trust fund or investment account isn't just dishonest—it can invalidate your entire agreement. Full disclosure means full disclosure.
The Unconscionable Terms: If your prenup basically says "I keep everything, you get nothing," courts will laugh it out of the room. Agreements need to be fair-ish to be enforceable.
Making It Official
Signing day should be anticlimatic—no surprises, no pressure, just signatures. Both parties need to sign in front of a notary. Some states require witnesses too. This isn't the time for creativity; follow your state's requirements to the letter.
After signing, store the original somewhere safe. Not "thrown in the junk drawer" safe, but "fireproof safe or safety deposit box" safe. Give copies to your attorneys. Some couples even exchange copies as a weird gesture of transparency.
The Emotional Side Nobody Talks About
Here's what the legal guides won't tell you: getting a prenup can be emotionally brutal. You're planning your life together while simultaneously planning for its potential end. It's like shopping for a wedding dress and a funeral outfit on the same day.
Many couples report feeling closer after completing the process, though. There's something powerful about having difficult conversations and surviving them. You learn how your partner handles conflict, negotiation, and planning. These are valuable insights for marriage.
Some people feel relief after signing. The "what ifs" are handled, leaving you free to focus on building your life together. Others need time to process the experience. Both reactions are normal.
Living with Your Prenup
Once it's signed, your prenup should fade into the background like that insurance policy you hopefully never need. Some couples do periodic reviews, especially after major life changes like having children or starting businesses.
Keep your financial records organized throughout your marriage. If you ever need to enforce the prenup, having clear documentation helps immensely. This is good practice regardless—knowing where your money goes benefits everyone.
Final Thoughts from Someone Who's Seen It All
Getting a prenup isn't about planning to fail; it's about being adults who recognize that life is unpredictable. The process forces conversations that many couples avoid until it's too late. Yes, it's uncomfortable. Yes, it costs money. But so does divorce without a prenup—exponentially more, both financially and emotionally.
The couples who handle prenups best approach them as a team project. They're not protecting assets from each other; they're protecting their future selves from potential chaos. It's an act of love, really—ensuring that if the worst happens, you've minimized the additional pain of financial uncertainty.
Remember, a prenup is just one tool in building a strong marriage. It doesn't replace communication, trust, or commitment. But it does provide a safety net that lets you focus on building your life together without the specter of financial catastrophe looming overhead.
Whether you ultimately decide to get a prenup or not, having the conversation is valuable. You'll learn about each other's values, fears, and expectations. And that knowledge? That's worth more than any legal document could ever be.
Authoritative Sources:
American Bar Association. Family Law Quarterly. American Bar Association Section of Family Law, 2019-2023.
Brod, Laura A. The Prenuptial Agreement: How to Negotiate and Draft a Comprehensive Agreement. American Bar Association, 2021.
Frawley, Katherine E. Prenuptial Agreements: Drafting and Negotiation. Thomson Reuters, 2022.
Melvoin, Jeffrey A. Prenuptial Agreements Line by Line: A Detailed Look at Prenuptial Agreements and How to Prepare Them. American Bar Association, 2020.
National Conference of State Legislatures. "Premarital/Prenuptial Agreements." NCSL.org, 2023.
Uniform Law Commission. "Premarital and Marital Agreements Act." UniformLaws.org, 2012.
Williston, Samuel, and Richard A. Lord. A Treatise on the Law of Contracts. 4th ed., Thomson Reuters, 2023.