How to Get a Cat to Like You: Understanding Feline Psychology and Building Trust
Cats have been sharing our homes for thousands of years, yet they remain enigmatic creatures that seem to operate by their own mysterious rulebook. Unlike dogs, who often greet strangers with unbridled enthusiasm, cats tend to approach new relationships with the caution of a diplomat entering delicate negotiations. This selective affection isn't a character flaw—it's an evolutionary masterpiece that has kept these small predators alive for millennia.
I've spent years observing cats in various settings, from bustling shelters to quiet homes, and one truth emerges consistently: earning a cat's affection requires understanding their fundamental nature. We're dealing with animals that are simultaneously predator and prey, independent yet social, aloof yet deeply emotional. This paradoxical nature shapes every interaction they have with humans.
The Currency of Cat Affection
Before diving into specific techniques, let's establish something crucial: cats don't owe us their affection. This might sound harsh, especially if you're used to the unconditional love of dogs, but it's liberating once you embrace it. When a cat chooses to like you, it's a genuine choice, not an obligation or instinct.
In my experience working with rescue cats, I've noticed that the ones who take longest to warm up often become the most devoted companions. There's a particular tabby I remember—let's call her Duchess—who spent three months hissing at everyone who entered the shelter. The volunteer who eventually won her over did so by completely ignoring her for weeks, simply existing in her space without demands or expectations.
This brings us to the first principle of cat attraction: respect their autonomy. Cats are control freaks, and I mean that in the most affectionate way possible. They need to feel that any interaction is their idea. The moment you chase, grab, or force affection, you've lost the game before it's begun.
Reading the Room (Or Rather, the Cat)
Body language in cats is like reading poetry written in a foreign language—subtle, nuanced, and easy to misinterpret if you don't know the vocabulary. A swishing tail doesn't mean what a wagging dog tail means. Those half-closed eyes aren't sleepiness; they're actually a sign of trust and contentment.
I learned this lesson the hard way with my first cat, a massive Maine Coon named Theodore. For months, I interpreted his slow blinks as boredom or dismissal. It wasn't until a veterinary behaviorist explained that slow blinking is essentially a cat's way of blowing kisses that I realized Theodore had been showering me with affection while I remained oblivious.
The ears tell stories too. Forward-facing ears signal interest and comfort. Ears pinned back? That's your cue to give space. Airplane ears—positioned sideways—often indicate uncertainty or mild anxiety. Learning to read these signals is like developing a sixth sense for feline emotions.
The Art of the Approach
Here's where most people go wrong: they approach cats like they're small dogs. Big mistake. Huge. Cats prefer what I call the "oblique approach"—indirect, non-threatening, and preferably initiated by them.
Sit down somewhere in the cat's vicinity. Not too close—think of yourself as a planet with a gravitational field that the cat can choose to enter or avoid. Pull out a book, your phone, or just stare at the wall. The key is to be interesting enough to investigate but not so focused on the cat that you seem predatory.
I've converted many self-proclaimed "dog people" to cat appreciation using this technique. My friend Marcus swore cats hated him until I convinced him to try the oblique approach with my neighbor's notoriously standoffish Siamese. Within twenty minutes of Marcus studiously ignoring the cat while pretending to read a magazine, she was rubbing against his leg.
The Power of the Slow Blink
If there's one technique that borders on magic, it's the slow blink. This is essentially saying "I love you" in cat language. Look at the cat (not a hard stare—keep it soft), then slowly close your eyes, hold them shut for a beat, and slowly open them again.
The first time a cat slow-blinks back at you feels like being inducted into a secret society. You've just exchanged a password that says, "I trust you enough to close my eyes in your presence." In the wild, closing your eyes near another creature is an act of ultimate vulnerability.
Some cats will slow-blink back immediately. Others might take weeks or months to return the gesture. Don't take it personally—some cats are just more reserved with their emotional expressions, like that friend who never says "I love you" but always shows up when you need them.
The Scent Connection
Humans are visual creatures, but cats live in a world dominated by scent. Every surface in your home tells a story through smell that we can't even begin to comprehend. When a cat rubs against you, they're not just showing affection—they're marking you as part of their colony, mixing their scent with yours to create a communal smell that says "we belong together."
This is why I always recommend the "scent introduction" for nervous cats. Take a clean sock, gently rub it on the cat's cheek (if they'll allow it), then carry that sock with you. You're now walking around smelling like part of their family, at least from their perspective.
I discovered this trick accidentally when fostering a semi-feral cat named Phantom. He wouldn't come near me for weeks until I fell asleep on the couch wearing the sweater I'd used to line his favorite hiding spot. I woke up to find him curled against my stomach, purring like a tiny motor. The familiar scent had marked me as safe territory.
Playing the Long Game
Patience with cats isn't just a virtue—it's a requirement. Unlike dogs, who often live in the moment, cats have excellent memories and hold grudges like championship wrestlers. One bad experience can set you back weeks or even months.
But here's the beautiful thing about cat memory: they remember kindness just as strongly as they remember threats. Every positive interaction, no matter how small, adds to your trust bank account. That time you respected their boundaries when they hissed? Deposit. The day you figured out exactly how they like their chin scratched? Major deposit.
I once worked with a cat who'd been traumatized by rough handling from children. She spent six months hiding under beds and hissing at anyone who came near. Progress was glacial—first, she'd eat if I was in the room (but across it). Then she'd eat if I sat nearby. Eventually, she'd eat from my hand. The day she finally climbed into my lap, eight months after we'd met, I actually cried. Some victories are worth the wait.
The Food Factor
Let's be honest about something: the way to many cats' hearts is absolutely through their stomachs. But it's not as simple as just providing food. It's about becoming associated with good things happening.
Try this: instead of just filling the bowl and walking away, stay nearby while they eat. Not hovering—cats hate being watched while they eat—but present. Maybe sit a few feet away and read. You're creating an association: your presence equals mealtime equals good feelings.
For particularly skittish cats, I use what I call "treat trails." Leave a small trail of treats leading from their safe space toward where you're sitting. Don't expect them to come all the way on the first try. Maybe they'll venture out for the first treat and retreat. That's fine. Tomorrow, they might get the second treat. Progress isn't always linear.
Understanding Individual Preferences
Here's something that took me years to fully appreciate: cats are individuals with distinct preferences, just like humans. Some cats are lap cats who want to be touching you constantly. Others are "proximity cats" who want to be in the same room but not necessarily touching. Some love belly rubs (rare but magical), while others will shred your hand for even thinking about touching their stomach.
My current cat, a tortoiseshell named Schrodinger (yes, I'm that person), loves being petted exactly three times on the head, then wants me to stop and just exist near her. Any more than three pets and she gives me what I call "the look"—a combination of disappointment and mild disgust that would make a Victorian governess proud.
Learning these preferences requires observation and respect. Watch how they interact with other people or animals. Notice where they like to be touched and where they don't. Some cats love having their paws touched, others act like you're attempting torture. Some enjoy being picked up, others prefer keeping all four feet on the ground.
The Environment Matters
A stressed cat is unlikely to be affectionate, no matter how perfectly you execute your approach. Environmental factors play a huge role in a cat's ability to form bonds. Is the space too loud? Are there too many people coming and going? Are there other animals that make them nervous?
I learned this lesson when trying to socialize a cat in a busy shelter environment. Despite weeks of effort, she remained aloof and anxious. The day she moved to a quiet foster home, she transformed. Within 48 hours, she was seeking out laps and purring. Sometimes, the problem isn't your technique—it's the setting.
Creating a cat-friendly environment means providing vertical space (cats feel safer up high), hiding spots, and predictable routines. Cats are creatures of habit who find comfort in knowing what comes next. Sudden changes or chaos can shut down their social circuits faster than you can say "pspsps."
When Professional Help Makes Sense
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a cat remains fearful or aggressive. This isn't a failure—it's a sign that deeper issues might be at play. Past trauma, medical problems, or severe anxiety can all masquerade as unfriendliness.
I'm a big advocate for consulting with veterinary behaviorists when standard approaches aren't working. They can identify issues we might miss and suggest interventions ranging from environmental modifications to, in some cases, anti-anxiety medications that can help a cat relax enough to form bonds.
There's no shame in seeking help. I've seen remarkable transformations when cats get the professional support they need. One Persian I knew went from attacking anyone who came near to becoming a therapy cat after working with a behaviorist who identified and addressed his chronic pain issues.
The Reward of Earned Trust
When a cat finally decides to like you—really like you, not just tolerate your presence—it's a victory unlike any other. Dogs might love easily and freely, but cat affection feels earned in a way that's deeply satisfying.
My most aloof foster, a black cat named Void (because of course), took eleven months to show any affection beyond accepting food from my hand. The night she finally jumped onto my bed and curled up against my back, purring loud enough to wake the neighbors, I lay there afraid to move, tears streaming down my face. I'd earned something precious: the trust of a creature who had every reason not to trust.
This is the secret that cat people know and others might not understand: the difficulty is part of the reward. Every slow blink returned, every head bump offered, every purr vibrating against your chest is a choice that cat made to include you in their carefully curated inner circle.
Final Thoughts on Feline Friendship
Building a relationship with a cat requires patience, respect, and a willingness to learn a new language—one spoken in slow blinks, head bumps, and the delicate art of being interesting while appearing uninterested. It's not about conquering or taming; it's about earning a place in their world through consistent, respectful interaction.
Some cats will warm up quickly, others might take months or even years. Some might never become lap cats but will show affection in their own unique ways—a toy left by your bed, a vigilant presence when you're sick, a specific meow reserved just for you.
The journey to earning a cat's affection teaches us valuable lessons about consent, patience, and the beauty of relationships that can't be forced or rushed. In a world that often demands instant gratification, cats remind us that the best things in life are worth waiting for.
Remember: every cat is different, every relationship unique. What works with one might fail spectacularly with another. Stay observant, remain patient, and above all, respect the autonomy of these remarkable creatures who grace our homes with their presence. The day a cat chooses you—really chooses you—you'll understand why us cat people consider it one of life's greatest honors.
Authoritative Sources:
Bradshaw, John. Cat Sense: How the New Feline Science Can Make You a Better Friend to Your Pet. Basic Books, 2013.
Ellis, Sarah, et al. The Trainable Cat: A Practical Guide to Making Life Happier for You and Your Cat. Basic Books, 2016.
Turner, Dennis C., and Patrick Bateson, editors. The Domestic Cat: The Biology of its Behaviour. 3rd ed., Cambridge University Press, 2014.
Overall, Karen L. Manual of Clinical Behavioral Medicine for Dogs and Cats. Elsevier, 2013.
Delgado, Mikel. "Feline Behavior and Welfare." Journal of Feline Medicine and Surgery, vol. 22, no. 9, 2020, pp. 744-752.
American Association of Feline Practitioners. "Feline Behavior Guidelines." aafp.org/guidelines/behavior-guidelines. 2022.
Cornell Feline Health Center. "Feline Behavior Problems." vet.cornell.edu/departments-centers-and-institutes/cornell-feline-health-center. Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine, 2023.