How to Get a Cat to Like You: Understanding the Feline Mind and Building Trust

I've spent the better part of two decades living with cats, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that winning over a cat is nothing like befriending a dog. You can't just walk up to a cat with treats and enthusiasm and expect instant friendship. Cats operate on an entirely different wavelength, one that requires patience, subtlety, and a willingness to let them call the shots.

The first time I truly understood this was with a stray tabby who lived behind my apartment building. For weeks, I'd leave food out and watch from my window as she'd dart in, grab a bite, and vanish. The moment I tried to approach? Gone. It took three months before she'd eat while I sat on the steps twenty feet away. Six months before she'd let me sit within arm's reach. Nearly a year before she finally rubbed against my leg. That cat taught me everything about feline psychology that no book ever could.

The Psychology Behind Feline Affection

Cats aren't small dogs. This might seem obvious, but you'd be surprised how many people approach cats expecting dog-like responses. While dogs evolved alongside humans as cooperative hunters and companions, cats essentially domesticated themselves. They showed up around human settlements to hunt rodents, and we formed a mutually beneficial relationship. But here's the kicker – they never really needed us the way dogs did.

This evolutionary background shapes everything about how cats interact with us. They're not hardwired to please us or seek our approval. Instead, they evaluate each interaction based on what feels safe and comfortable to them. A cat's affection is earned, not given freely, and that's what makes it so special when you finally win them over.

I remember reading a study from the University of Lincoln that showed cats don't actually need humans for emotional security the way dogs do. At first, this bummed me out. Then I realized it's precisely why a cat's affection feels so genuine – they choose to like you, not because they need to, but because they want to.

Reading the Room (and the Cat)

Before you even think about approaching a cat, you need to become fluent in cat body language. And let me tell you, it's a subtle language full of nuance that most people completely miss.

A cat with its tail straight up is generally feeling confident and friendly. But add a little hook at the end? Now they're really happy to see you. Tail puffed out like a bottle brush? Back off – they're scared or angry. Slow, languid tail swishes usually mean they're focused or mildly irritated, while rapid thrashing says they're about to lose it.

Ears are equally telling. Forward-facing ears show interest and comfort. Flattened ears scream danger. But here's one most people miss – ears that swivel independently, like little radar dishes? That cat is tracking multiple things and might be a bit overwhelmed. Not the best time to approach.

The eyes tell perhaps the most important story. Direct staring in the cat world is aggressive, even threatening. This is why cats often gravitate toward the one person in the room who doesn't like cats – that person is politely ignoring them, which in cat language is actually quite respectful.

The Art of the Slow Blink

Speaking of eyes, let's talk about one of the most powerful tools in your cat-befriending arsenal: the slow blink. Some call it a "cat kiss," but I think of it more as a feline handshake. When you make eye contact with a cat and slowly close your eyes, keeping them shut for a beat before slowly opening them again, you're essentially saying "I trust you enough to close my eyes around you, and I pose no threat."

I discovered this by accident years ago. I was exhausted, sitting on a friend's couch, when her notoriously unfriendly cat jumped up on the opposite end. We made eye contact, and in my tired state, I just slowly blinked at him. To my amazement, he blinked back and then – miracle of miracles – walked over and curled up next to me. My friend was shocked. "He hates everyone!" she said. But he didn't hate me, because I'd inadvertently spoken his language.

The Power of Ignoring

This might be the hardest lesson for cat lovers to learn: sometimes the best way to get a cat to like you is to pretend they don't exist. I know, I know – when you see a cute cat, every fiber of your being wants to go "kitty!" and reach out to pet them. Resist this urge.

Cats are control freaks. They want to decide when and how interactions happen. By ignoring them, you're giving them that control. You're saying, "I see you, but I respect your space, and you can approach me when you're ready."

I've tested this theory countless times at friends' houses. While everyone else is trying to coax the cat out from under the bed, I'll just sit quietly, maybe reading a book or scrolling my phone. Nine times out of ten, guess who the cat eventually approaches? The person who couldn't care less.

The Approach: Let Them Come to You

When a cat does decide to investigate you, resist the urge to immediately reach out. Instead, try what I call the "statue technique." Stay still, maybe extend one finger slowly for them to sniff, but otherwise let them do all the investigating. Cats have scent glands in their cheeks, and when they rub against you, they're marking you as "safe" with their scent. It's like getting a feline stamp of approval.

If you must reach out to pet them, aim for the head first – specifically the cheeks, behind the ears, and under the chin. These are where those scent glands are located, and cats generally enjoy being petted there. Avoid the belly at all costs, at least initially. Yes, some cats love belly rubs, but many see it as a vulnerable area and will respond with claws and teeth. The belly trap is real, people.

Creating Positive Associations

Food is obviously a powerful motivator, but it's not just about feeding a cat. It's about becoming associated with good things happening. This goes beyond just treats. Maybe you're the person who opens the blinds in the morning so they can watch birds. Maybe you're the one who plays with the laser pointer (always end with a physical toy they can catch, by the way – laser pointers alone can frustrate cats).

One trick I learned from working with a particularly skittish rescue cat: become the bringer of the sacred baby food. Many cats go absolutely nuts for meat-based baby food (make sure it has no onion or garlic). Put a little on your finger and let them lick it off. It's intimate without being invasive, and it creates a powerful positive association.

Respecting Boundaries

Here's something that might ruffle some feathers: not every cat is going to like you, and that's okay. Just like humans, cats have preferences and personalities. Some are social butterflies, others are introverts. Some had bad experiences with humans and need extra time and patience. Some might never fully warm up, and pushing the issue will only make things worse.

I once cat-sat for a friend whose cat, Midnight, wanted nothing to do with me. For two weeks, I respected her boundaries, fed her, cleaned her litter box, and otherwise left her alone. On my last day, she finally came out and sat about six feet away, watching me pack up. That was her version of saying goodbye, and honestly? It felt like a victory.

The Long Game

Building a relationship with a cat isn't a sprint; it's a marathon. Unlike dogs, who might decide you're their best friend after one good play session, cats often take weeks, months, or even years to fully warm up. But here's the beautiful thing – once a cat decides you're their person, that bond is incredibly strong.

My own cat, a former feral I've had for eight years now, still surprises me with new levels of trust. Just last month, she started sleeping on my pillow – something she'd never done before. Eight years! That's the thing about cats; they're always evolving, always deciding whether to let you a little bit further into their world.

Common Mistakes That Push Cats Away

Let's be real about some things people do that they think are friendly but actually freak cats out. Picking them up when they don't want to be held? That's a big one. Cats are both predator and prey in the wild, and being suddenly lifted off the ground triggers all sorts of alarm bells.

Loud voices and sudden movements are another no-go. I've seen grown adults do that high-pitched "KITTY!" squeal that sends cats running for the hills. Keep your voice low and calm. Move slowly and predictably. Think of yourself as a sloth – a friendly, non-threatening sloth.

And please, please stop doing that "pspsps" sound if the cat is already stressed. Yes, it can work to get a cat's attention, but if they're hiding or clearly uncomfortable, you're just adding to their stress levels.

Understanding Individual Preferences

Just as every person has different social preferences, so does every cat. Some are lap cats who want to be touching you constantly. Others are "proximity cats" who want to be in the same room but not necessarily touching. Some cats show affection by bringing you "gifts" (yes, even that dead mouse is a sign of love). Others might just grace you with their presence.

I've known cats who show affection by gently biting your nose, cats who insist on grooming their humans' hair, and cats who express love by yelling at you until you follow them to their food bowl (even when it's full – they just want company while they eat). Learning to read and appreciate each cat's unique love language is part of the journey.

The Environment Matters

Something people often overlook: the environment plays a huge role in whether a cat will warm up to you. A stressed cat in a chaotic environment is much less likely to be social. If you're trying to befriend a cat, consider the setting. Is it quiet? Are there escape routes so the cat doesn't feel trapped? Are there high perches where they can observe from safety?

I learned this lesson when I moved apartments. My previously social cat became a ghost, hiding constantly. It wasn't until I set up some cat shelves and gave her vertical territory that she felt safe enough to be social again. Sometimes it's not about you at all – it's about whether the cat feels secure in their environment.

When Professional Help Might Be Needed

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a cat might have behavioral issues that go beyond simple shyness. Cats who were separated from their mothers too early, who experienced trauma, or who have medical issues might need more than just patience and treats. If a cat is extremely aggressive, completely withdrawn for extended periods, or showing signs of severe stress, it might be time to consult with a veterinary behaviorist.

There's no shame in admitting when you need help. I once worked with a behaviorist for a rescue cat who had severe anxiety, and the structured approach made all the difference. Sometimes love isn't enough – you need expertise too.

The Payoff

So why go through all this effort? Why spend months slowly earning the trust of a creature who might never be as demonstratively affectionate as a dog? Because when a cat chooses you – really chooses you – it's magic. It's being woken up by purring. It's having a warm presence curl up against you when you're sick. It's the head bonk greeting when you come home. It's knowing that this independent, self-sufficient creature has decided that you, specifically you, are worth their time and affection.

The relationship you build with a cat is unlike any other human-animal bond. It's a partnership between equals, built on mutual respect and understanding. And honestly? In a world where so much affection feels transactional or needy, there's something refreshing about earning the love of a creature who doesn't need you but chooses you anyway.

Remember, every cat is different, and what works with one might not work with another. The key is patience, observation, and respect. Let the cat set the pace. Learn their language. Respect their boundaries. And one day, when you least expect it, you'll feel that soft head bump against your hand, hear that rumbling purr, and realize – you've been chosen.

Authoritative Sources:

Bradshaw, John. Cat Sense: How the New Feline Science Can Make You a Better Friend to Your Pet. Basic Books, 2013.

Ellis, Sarah, et al. The Trainable Cat: A Practical Guide to Making Life Happier for You and Your Cat. Basic Books, 2016.

Potter, Alice, and Daniel S. Mills. "Domestic Cats (Felis silvestris catus) Do Not Show Signs of Secure Attachment to Their Owners." PLOS ONE, vol. 10, no. 9, 2015.

Turner, Dennis C., and Patrick Bateson, editors. The Domestic Cat: The Biology of its Behaviour. 3rd ed., Cambridge University Press, 2014.

Vitale, Kristyn R., et al. "Attachment bonds between domestic cats and humans." Current Biology, vol. 29, no. 18, 2019, pp. R864-R865.